# On what was learned.
## The Boy and the Girl
There was a boy who often fell in love very quickly. Or, at least, what he felt he likened to love. With the world being the way it was and with his loneliness being trumped up beyond reality, he often looked in wrongs places in order to find someone to talk to. Time and time again there were acquaintances, infatuations, and maybe even love gained and lost. Few friends were made, but he left a trail of hearts along his path; some of those were pieces of his own, some pieces from those he had forged a bond with, however fleeting.
There were many times he had said "no more!" There were many times that no more turned into just one more. Until one day, the boy met a girl. They talked and like so many other times before, there was a connection. But, maybe this time there would be a different outcome. He felt that they could make a home together, a future, an earthly kind of joy. Deep words were shared, hearts were laid bare and given, and their souls were intertwined. Alas! Too soon.
Mistakes were made. Mistakes were forgiven. But, it can be a curious thing, reconcilliation between a boy and a girl. At its core, it is a process, not an outcome. The past affects it. The present makes it difficult. The future does not guarantee it. And though the boy thought he was doing enough to move past mistakes made (and maybe he did, who can truly know?), like the other times of a heartache, this one came as well.
From out of the blue, the girl cut the boy off from her life and soon found another to give her heart to. For a long time, the boy was numb. You see, he had good friends that more often than not gave good advice. Was it okay to feel sad about something you were warned about? If your brothers warn you, and you do not heed that warning, surely you deserve all that follows? Isn't sadness just a way to move past the pain?
And so, the boy was not sad because he chose to dwell and live in that pain. After all, he felt like he deserved every bit of it. The boy withdrew from the world and created his own. He was a watcher of wars. He raised cities. He tore down monsters. He sailed across the stars. He became a king in a kingdom of his own making and through it all felt nothing. Until one day the Man with Piercing Eyes came into his kingdom.

## The Man with Piercing Eyes
They were brothers from before the world began, but they had only met a few years ago. The Man with Piercing Eyes was like a tree of iron: rigid, slow to bend, but safe and if you knew where to look, a trustworthy place to be. He and the boy had journeyed together before, and though at times they did not always agree (the boy was very good at making The Man with Piercing Eyes irritated), the boy liked to think that they were good friends.
He was actually one of the people warning the boy to beware of the girl. Not because she was evil, of course. The girl was beautiful, kind, and witty in her own way. The girl had a beautiful heart as well as a beautiful soul. She was even the daughter of the King. But, relationships are meant to grow naturally, not forced into a shape. And so, The Man with Piercing Eyes watched as the boy did not listen and tried to create something that was not his to create.
But, The Man with Piercing Eyes came with the first message for the boy: it was okay to be sad. He reminded the boy that one day they would journey together to a place where nothing was broken, not even hearts. But, until then, sadness was a way to remind them of the journey not yet finished. The Man with Piercing Eyes reminded the boy that pain was not meant to be lived in for it gives no life. Pain points but pain is never the destination.
The boy listened as best as he could. Because as he numbed his heart, the boy's ears and his eyes were becoming numb as well. Pain convinced him he did not deserve to hear or see good things. But, the words his friend were telling him woke the boy up. Soon, The Man with Piercing Eyes had to leave to go back to his own home. And the boy thought on the words of his good friend, and the boy wept.
The boy was sad because he was preparing to be a father, for the girl was a mother. He was sad because the girl had disappeared only to reappear in the arms of another person. He was sad because the girl did not say good bye and she did not tell him why she was leaving. The boy was only able to watch her go because she closed every door and burned every pathway back to her. He was sad because from now on, a piece of his soul was in hers and he could not exchange it with the piece the girl had left behind. He could never give it or share it with her again. The boy wasn't numb anymore. And so, sadness let the boy leave the world of pain he created and he journeyed to his family's home.

## The Shepherd
His family's home was everywhere, to be honest. You see, the boy (like the girl) was the child of the King. She was his sister the same way the Man with Piercing Eyes was his brother, before the world began. So, after leaving his own kingdom, the boy did not have to travel far before coming home. When he arrived at the border of his family's home, the boy was reminded how beautiful the songs they sang were. For you see, his family loved the King because the King was a good and loving King. The songs reminded the boy that it was okay to be sad. The songs reminded the boy that even though his heart was broken, it was never not whole, because the King fixed his heart a long time ago.
The boy came to a place where The Shepherd was tending some of the King's sheep. The boy had never met The Shepherd before but he had heard about him and watched him from afar. The boy knew that he spoke gently to the sheep and said words the King had given him in order to calm and lead the sheep well. But, as the boy sat and watched, he saw The Shepherd come to him. The Shepherd approached the boy with eyes full of gentleness and asked how the boy was doing. And so, the boy told The Shepherd his sad story.
The Shepherd was a good listener because he practiced listening to the sheep often. And they sat together for awhile and the boy looked down because he did not often weep, especially in front somebody he just met. But, the story was still sad. After a time, The Shepherd began talking. However, he wasn't talking to the boy even though he was repeating some of the things the boy had said. The Shepherd was talking to the King.
In all their conversation, The Shepherd had not mentioned much that the boy did not already know. Unlike The Man with Piercing Eyes, the Shepherd did not know the boy that well nor did they ever journey together. But, while The Shepherd was talking to the King asking him to help the boy, The Shepherd also taught the boy to remember a second thing: the King loved the boy.
You see, the boy was much more curious than most people. He wanted to know why things were a certain way. He wanted to know when they changed, where things happened, and so on. When the girl left the boy, none of those questions were answered. After the boy had created his own kingdom, all of his power was spent trying to figure out why the girl had left and if there was anything the boy could have done to change things. Even today, the boy does not truly know. But, The Shepherd reminded the boy that the King's love was bigger than the boy's pain. Even though small questions may not be answered, the King's love answers the biggest questions.

## The Giant
After sitting with The Shepherd, the boy decided to go back to the King's School. He was a student there, once upon a time, and the boy hoped to be a student there again sooner rather than later. But, for now, the boy did not come to learn but to visit The Giant. The Giant was a caretaker for the school and was also someone who had journeyed with the boy. He had a loud voice and large hands, but the boy knew things about The Giant that few people did. The Giant loved to write poetry and loved to work with his hands. He was gentle and shaped things out of wood.
And so, the boy visited with The Giant and they recounted their own tales. The Giant's grandmother had begun her journey recently, and The Giant created a kingdom very much like the boy's. The Giant had a soft heart and missed his grandmother, though he knew that the journey was a good thing to begin because it meant that the King was near to her.
The boy and The Giant talked about the King and their own small kingdoms. The boy wondered aloud why the King even let him do that, for it was tantamount to treason, after all. The boy wondered aloud why the King did not just stop him or try to bring the boy back home, strong and loving as the King was. The boy even admitted to The Giant that maybe the King might have been missing during his numbing.
But, The Giant interrupted the boy after this, and asked the boy a question (which also happened to be the third thing the boy was to be reminded): in all your travelings, who was more trustworthy, you or the King? The boy knew the answer, of course. He made plenty of mistakes and told plenty of lies. The King did no such thing.
And so, the boy and The Giant sat and laughed about their own journeys. They were reminded about the King's trustworthiness and mercy. The boy was glad that he could go to his family's home no matter how far he journeyed. The boy would strive to remember what The Man with Piercing Eyes, The Shepherd, and The Giant had told him. He knew that at times he would forget, but he also knew that the King would always send people to remind him.

Lord! My heart wanders. In your intimacy and presence to my hurts, I mistake you for the cause of pain and not the end of them. I want to want You. I am lost, I am tired. Be my hope, Christ Jesus.

rest our tired and shameful hearts in thee

sweet freedom bringer, king of liberty

we are yours called, yours alone

our idols be laid before your throne

o praise the one who nails my sin

o praise the one, wanderer, come in

a prayer; For You, for the world, for her, for me

You. Forgive me of my sins. Thank You for Your grace.

World. A broken pot is best mended by its maker. The same for broken hearts and the broken world. Lord, you hold all our tears in a bottle. No turmoil has not been sifted from Your hand accidentally. Come quickly. But also, save quickly, grow us deeply. God, my God. Your creation proclaims and glorifies Your greatness. Yet, it mourns because it is broken. You are restorer and healer.

Her. Give her peace from anxiety and fears. Help her to rely and lean and seek You always and first and forever. In her motherhood give her wisdom and patience. Thank You for her friendship and her love for You. Lord, grow both greatly, if it be your will. She knows You, help her know You more. Guard her heart and her life.

Me. Control my appetites. Be my contentment and joy, Lord. Be my peace. Be telos of my being I know You are. Let my studies, my mind, my will, my body be used for your namesake, little that I might give. Help me to glorify and love you better, O savior of my soul.

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God is sovereign. The Ghost is holy. Christ is immanent.

A short prayer for all

I love you, Lord. Help me to love you all the more. Through distractions and through weakness, help me to seek you yet. Amen.

On Generosity and lesson learned

Mt. 5:42; 1 Tim. 6:18; Heb. 13:16

Driving home from class one late-ish night, my stomach rumbles, and I realize that I have no wife waiting at home with a meal (OK, real talk, I realize this quite often), or even a real meal to come home to at all. There's a small chicken joint that I've always wanted to try, so I figure, why not? The more hole in the wall it looks, the older the grease, and the more flavor you munch. Background: the area around the school was once rather prosperous, but now, quite the opposite. It would be odd to NOT see any homeless on the drive to and from school, and on more than one occasion, I've bought or given my own lunch up to someone that has asked (also down really cheap Tupperware!). It's not a big deal, not usually.

So rewind to the historical present of the story: as I'm waiting, I see a homeless guy come into the store. Now, there are two exits, and right off the bat, I was weighing the odds of him asking me for a meal, or if I should just take the easy way out and go out the other exit. Except, lately, my money has been exceptionally tight. Moving to a new state, to a new school, chasing after a degree in Theology, and trying to live on my own and figure things out has not been cheap. Previous times, I have had some, or maybe even a little, but I've always been able to give semi-comfortably. Now, I can probably count how much money I have starting from 0 and hit it in less than a minute. In quarters. Needless to say, taking the dive towards the other exit seemed like a very, very live option.

And yet, I chose the other way, hoping he would not in fact ask me for anything. Of course, that wasn't the case, and I barely start a step in his direction when he asks me to help him and his daughters. He mentioned not making it to the church on time, and so needed help. I was upset, a little desperate, and (testament to what you should not do), pulled out my wallet, saw I had a couple tens, and gave him one; I left before I even saw him order, but not without parting with a whiny, "I don't have much either man, but here, whatever."

God, I give all the time. My life and future and ministry and thoughts and vocation are towards the advancement of your kingdom. You couldn't spare me this once? I can't get hired to save my life, and I can't find it in me to write for support (a pride issue I'll touch on one of these days), and yet here I am, giving what very little I have. More thoughts were swirling. Was it OK to say no? Was it even responsible to say no? Should I have gone the other way? Looking back, ideally, I should have just paid for a meal (what he was asking for was much less than what I gave him), but I was so lost in complaint that I did not realize until I was sitting in the car.

And yet, the very next day, I fill up my gas tank, I fill up my fridge and freezer and pantry, and have leftovers and the knowledge that I have friends that will help generously and without hesitation should I ask. I was so wrecked by realizing that, that I almost started weeping while putting my mandarins (or tangerines? who knows) onto the belt. How many of us have little, or less and use that as an excuse to not give at all? God gives us life, sustains the universe's very existence, gives us an appreciation for beauty and comedy and laughter, grows us through our weakness (and very many times, in spite of it), and so much more.

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Lord, work on my heart. Help me to be a cheerful giver always and always and forever. You are too good and kind and generous and wonderful to me for me to act otherwise. Thank you for all that you do. Amen.

On the call to ministry, a title longer than the actual rumination, or at least, almost longer

Short Skype conversation with a good buddy of mine. Young man, old soul, big enthusiasm. He mentions (and has mentioned before) his desire towards ministry. It leads me to thinking aloud, about how though we know our sins, God knows the depths of them. Though we are broken, crass, impatient, bent towards leading away, God, in all his mercy and grace, leads us ever toward himself. AND he still deigns to use us for his glory!

Are we not much more than broken instruments made to make a symphony? What a weight for those of us with that call towards ministry. What a joy for all believers, that Jesus saves.