On Generosity and lesson learned

Mt. 5:42; 1 Tim. 6:18; Heb. 13:16

Driving home from class one late-ish night, my stomach rumbles, and I realize that I have no wife waiting at home with a meal (OK, real talk, I realize this quite often), or even a real meal to come home to at all. There's a small chicken joint that I've always wanted to try, so I figure, why not? The more hole in the wall it looks, the older the grease, and the more flavor you munch. Background: the area around the school was once rather prosperous, but now, quite the opposite. It would be odd to NOT see any homeless on the drive to and from school, and on more than one occasion, I've bought or given my own lunch up to someone that has asked (also down really cheap Tupperware!). It's not a big deal, not usually.

So rewind to the historical present of the story: as I'm waiting, I see a homeless guy come into the store. Now, there are two exits, and right off the bat, I was weighing the odds of him asking me for a meal, or if I should just take the easy way out and go out the other exit. Except, lately, my money has been exceptionally tight. Moving to a new state, to a new school, chasing after a degree in Theology, and trying to live on my own and figure things out has not been cheap. Previous times, I have had some, or maybe even a little, but I've always been able to give semi-comfortably. Now, I can probably count how much money I have starting from 0 and hit it in less than a minute. In quarters. Needless to say, taking the dive towards the other exit seemed like a very, very live option.

And yet, I chose the other way, hoping he would not in fact ask me for anything. Of course, that wasn't the case, and I barely start a step in his direction when he asks me to help him and his daughters. He mentioned not making it to the church on time, and so needed help. I was upset, a little desperate, and (testament to what you should not do), pulled out my wallet, saw I had a couple tens, and gave him one; I left before I even saw him order, but not without parting with a whiny, "I don't have much either man, but here, whatever."

God, I give all the time. My life and future and ministry and thoughts and vocation are towards the advancement of your kingdom. You couldn't spare me this once? I can't get hired to save my life, and I can't find it in me to write for support (a pride issue I'll touch on one of these days), and yet here I am, giving what very little I have. More thoughts were swirling. Was it OK to say no? Was it even responsible to say no? Should I have gone the other way? Looking back, ideally, I should have just paid for a meal (what he was asking for was much less than what I gave him), but I was so lost in complaint that I did not realize until I was sitting in the car.

And yet, the very next day, I fill up my gas tank, I fill up my fridge and freezer and pantry, and have leftovers and the knowledge that I have friends that will help generously and without hesitation should I ask. I was so wrecked by realizing that, that I almost started weeping while putting my mandarins (or tangerines? who knows) onto the belt. How many of us have little, or less and use that as an excuse to not give at all? God gives us life, sustains the universe's very existence, gives us an appreciation for beauty and comedy and laughter, grows us through our weakness (and very many times, in spite of it), and so much more.

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Lord, work on my heart. Help me to be a cheerful giver always and always and forever. You are too good and kind and generous and wonderful to me for me to act otherwise. Thank you for all that you do. Amen.

On the call to ministry, a title longer than the actual rumination, or at least, almost longer

Short Skype conversation with a good buddy of mine. Young man, old soul, big enthusiasm. He mentions (and has mentioned before) his desire towards ministry. It leads me to thinking aloud, about how though we know our sins, God knows the depths of them. Though we are broken, crass, impatient, bent towards leading away, God, in all his mercy and grace, leads us ever toward himself. AND he still deigns to use us for his glory!

Are we not much more than broken instruments made to make a symphony? What a weight for those of us with that call towards ministry. What a joy for all believers, that Jesus saves.

A prayer for the lost

Heavenly Father,

All truth belongs to you. All goodness is couched within your being. All things work together for your Glory. Though we do not always see the right path, and though sometimes we struggle and trudge along, help us to remember that you are ever-present and filled with love towards us; whether we know (or remember) it or not.

For those that do not know you, I pray that you draw them ever closer, and that they seek you with an earnestness that can have no other cause but the Spirit. I pray that the reliance on earthly things begins to fade, and I pray that the assurance found in flesh is broken and made bare before a regenerated will and intellect.

Give those of us that do know you a heart towards those that do not. Help us to feel an inkling of the weight of eternity in this present, in order that we may be hurried toward the proclamation of the sacrifice of your Son and in our own walk. Help us to pray more fervently for those lost. Help us to pray more fervently for those not lost who do not shine as brightly as they could, or are afraid to shine lest the darkness seem more dark.

I pray for all those that seem to flounder about. I pray for those that grope and beg for direction and seemingly do not find it. Help us all to find our direction and fullness within you. I pray that our choices be made sound and founded on holiness. I pray that our wills are pliant, and your hand be felt. I pray that we seek you, even as we may be confused about our own direction. I pray that we have the wisdom to tell the difference between temporary setbacks and a signal for a change of course.

Thank you for all that you do, and the patience you shower us with. Thank you for the work you have done, are doing, and will do within us. You are great, and you are good, and you are holy. Help us all to proclaim and shout your praise with every fiber of our being. May our temporal directionless never alter our course towards deep and fuller community with you.

In Christ, and through Christ, amen.

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And though the walls and brambles close our ways
Your love remains, within us it forever stays